Nothing special.

Nothing special the picture says it all, simple as that.

Just another night.

I miss you like crazy and sometimes it hurts like hell but I'm pushing through with all I've got. Night time is when it's the worst I get so lonely and all I can think about is you and how I just want to pick up the phone and call you tell you "I love you and I miss you" and hear you say it back to me but I know that's not going to happen. I'm not going to lie getting texts from you today and having you tell me that you don't hate me did feel good because it means that you could still possibly love me, maybe somewhere deep down inside of yourself. For now the memories, tears, your cologne, and ABU jacket will get me through the lonely nights like these until someday maybe I won't need any of that anymore. I'll either have you or I just won't need it. Until then, I love you completely and with my whole heart. What's left of it these days anyway.

I can do this.

I'm going to get through this break up one day at a time. It might tell a hell of a lot of baking, ice cream, and a lot of tears but I can do this and I can put myself back together. I'm going to come out of this stronger than ever and I hope someday you realize I tried my hardest to give you my everything even if at times it was hard for me. I'm a good person and I know I deserve happiness and maybe I wasn't meant to have it with you, who knows? I'm gonna hold my head up and get through this in one piece. I have the help of many supportive people who have been great to me so far already and if there's anything I have to say thank you to you for it's for them because without you I would have never met them I love the ladies of Airman Swag. <3

It's never easy.

Yeah, I'm your typical woman. I worry about all the things that other woman worry about one of those things being my weight. Recently it's become even more of an issue for me. I have never been over 125 lbs in my life and that's healthy for me. I have always stayed between usually 110 and 120. The last time I weighed myself which just so happened to be today the scale read a 7 pound increase and for me panic mode immediately set in.  I have always been the healthy girl who could wear the same clothes for years and now I've noticed my clothes have gotten tighter, hell even one of my residents at my job has made snide and rude comments saying I've gotten "fat" even though I know I'm not. It just sucks because even if I try to hide it I am extremely self conscious and if I don't feel like i look good in the eyes of others I don't feel good on the inside and my whole entire day is just spent in a bad mood. I'm going to start doing all I can to get myself healthy and happy and back into my comfort zone!

On the bright side though I've found something to help take up some time that I spend eating because believe it or not I realize that I eat A LOT. I've taken on the opportunity to support two of our country's military personal who are serving our country overseas. I will possibly and eventually take on more depending on how it works out. Doing this for them and seeing how many people are willing to help makes me feel so much better about myself. It makes me feel like I am doing something for the greater good to help others. 

Lost and found.

"Sometimes, I don't post for awhile because I don't think my words are worth being heard. Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in the things I should do, I forget who I am. I lose my identity in the world."

I read this quote on another blog and I couldn't help but to realize how much I could put it into my life. I use to blog A LOT about all kinds of things and then I slowly stopped doing it. I don't know why, I guess life got in the way like it always does. I forget who I am and I do lose my identity.  Lately though it feels like I've been doing a bit better about holding onto it. I don't lose myself so much in the small things like I used to. I have my moments but they are no where near what they used to be. I still fall to pieces and have a hard time holding myself together but truth be told I am doing so much better. It seems like things are finally coming together and that includes my personal life and school. Of course work could use a lot of improvement but that's honestly not something that I can control. 

Tribulations.

At least that's what I've been told and I guess each day I believe it a little bit more. Some days I don't though. Some days I get so frustrated and I just feel like giving up on everything. Lately I have been facing such ridiculous financial hardships that I feel like I just keep falling deeper and deeper into them. I don't spend any money other than on my bills and gas to get back and forth from work, home, and school. I felt like I had everything figured out and I was doing okay then I was hit with an $1100 cellphone bill that honestly wasn't just my fault. Ever since this happened I've felt like I have been trying to claw my way out of a hole and it just truly sucks! I have no money for myself and there's nothing I can do about it. Work has cut my hours and what little bit of spare money I have I swear goes into my gas tank. Even setting up a budget seems to do me no good because SOMETHING always happens. I'm 22 years old and I am struggling to keep myself out of debt and my head afloat, as some say. I need to finish school, I need a better job, and I need to get out of this rut! As they say, "Money makes the world go 'round"... unfortunately.

A big change.

So yesterday, Friday, I did something I haven't done for a long time and that was spend a LONG time off and away from the computer and not have to be at the work to do it. It felt so good to spend time with some of the people who matter to me including my grandfather who I barely see anymore. We talked about all kinds of stuff including my grandmother who passed away in 2005. Every time he talks about her I can still see the love and pain he feels. We talked about me, my life, work, school. It felt so good to just sit there and talk to him. It opened my eyes to that fact that I had truly started to take the things in life that use to matter so much to me for granted. I also spent time with my nephews and my cousin and even played video games something I haven't really sat back and enjoyed in awhile. Today is a whole new day and I'm going out for dinner with a lot of my family, we're going to enjoy Chinese food so I cannot wait for that. Chinese food is my favorite, by the way.

My Online time is spent where?!

I figured out of random and boredom I'd post my most visited places on the web otherwise known as some of my favorite sites. This should be amusing to some extent. 

• My Mark Store
• Facebook (Imagine that.)
• We<3it
• Superpoints  (Invite only network, just ask if you'd like to join.)
• It Works!
• Youtube
• Amazon

I'm sure there's more that I'm just not realizing right now and when I do I'll add them or blog them again. On a more serious note though it's been brought to my attention by someone that I truly care about that I spend way too much time online, mostly FB. We've gotten into fights about it and I've come to realize that he's right. In my quest to, I don't know, cure my boredom or do my work I abandon everyone else and everything else. When you're on the brink of possibly losing someone you care about because you make something a priority over them it's a wake up call, at least it was for me. Another eye opener was when I came home the other day and realized just how much of a mess my bedroom was. I'm a fairly neat person and I never let my room look the way it has been looking recently. I've made the decision to limit my internet time and not constantly be on it like I have been in the past. There's other things that I need to do and people in my life that I need to spend time with that I've been taking for granted. I've lost myself and who I am in/on the "world wide web". It's time I find myself and the things I use to enjoy again.

"It gets darker before the dawn".

It seems like every time I start to think things are getting better for me and I can finally be stress free something else happens. It just sucks completely. I try so hard to get ahead in life with everything and something comes along and knocks me back down flat on my ass. (My attempt at humor in this situation, laugh it up.) I know there's a lot of reasons I shouldn't complain because I am blessed but then there's also reasons I can't help it. It's not just money issues, because in this economy I know everyone is having them. It's school, it's family, it's everything and sometimes it just feel like it's too much for me to handle. I start falling apart at the seams.


So here's a quote to help if you're dealing with something that's got you down.


"There is no failure except in no longer trying." 
-Elbert Hubbard 

The past.

This "poem" shows a whole a completely different side of me that a lot of people have never seen and probably never knew existed. I was in a really dark place and things just weren't going right for me. My grandmother had passed away, my friends had abandoned me, my grades were in the toilet and I just wasn't happy with myself. Looking back and reading this now my life has changed so much and I'm thankful for that.

Maybe I Am 

Tears plunge, the form of the drops of blood that amble down my outer vein.
I swear to God I’m going insane.
When did it all get so hard?
How do I make it stop? How do I prevent it from its start?
I don’t understand what’s happening.
What’s with the fury and the wrath that it brings?
I don’t want to be in this world anymore.
Given all life’s misery and eternal cycles,
death couldn’t possibly hurt more.
They say you can’t live without love, so why am I still here?
Not death, but life is my fear.
Loneliness controls me.
Only unconsciousness can set me free.
I cry and cry, but it doesn’t come out.
Stuck inside me, this twinge of never-ending doubt.
The harder I try, the more complex it seems.
Please tell me. I don’t recognize what it means.
Admiration of a child who knows not wrong from right.
Inside my mentality is a ruthless fight.
I try to escape but the doors shut in my face.
I hate this place!
What is wrong with the way that I am?
There’s something about me that no one can stand.
I don’t get it! I don’t get it!
What’s wrong? I’m pathetic!
Do I bawl and cut because I think people will care?
This isn’t fair!
I pray and I wait for things to get better.
About to engrave my ultimate letter.
The tears and the drips of blood never stop.
Eyes blurred, I observe, as faster they drop.
They aren’t streaming quick enough.
My tattered skin appears too tough.
Slit it again and again and again.
Don’t quit until I stop feeling the pain.
It goes on forever, dancing circles in my head.
God, I’d sign a contract for the chance to be dead.
Sob stories are retarded, I’m so stupid!
Like anyone cares what goes on in my head!
Why am I writing this? What’s the point?
If anyone reads it, they’ll just be annoyed.
They’re going to think I’m a psycho, that I’m mental or something.
That I should be in a hospital. I’m mortifying.
Why do they say it? I don’t understand!
Maybe… maybe… maybe I am!
Take me, accept me,
For what I show up to be.
Control my life; I can’t do it alone.
I’m despondently prone.
My face is getting paler and my body weakens with each slit.
I try not to show it.
Don’t pay attention, don’t notice, don’t care.
Don’t watch, don’t listen, don’t try, don’t look,
don’t stare.
Everything I do just makes it all worse.
Please pull me away from this curse!
I can’t go on like this, can’t survive any longer with what I see.
I hate myself! I hate myself! I hate having to be me!
Why can’t I be somebody that everyone likes?
Why is it always me who has to deal with all the revulsion of life?
I would give it all away in a second if I had the choice.
But I’m stuck in humanity with my pitiful voice.
Falling and spiraling, everything is black.
Thrown side to side, foreword and back.
Still the tears and the blood fall mutually to the floor.
Every seep of obsession kills me diminutively more.
Thoughts of the end fill my infatuated mind.
Dependent on time.
Don’t get what made me this way.
What was the influence that told me not to stay?
This intolerable pain and this force just won’t leave.
More thoughts of fatality I continue to receive.
How many more times do I have to bounce back to reality?
When is it enough? When can I stop being me?
I don’t even know anymore how I’m supposed to act.
Want to know when my life flew so off track!
Wish I wasn’t a part of this game.
Don’t want to be so insane!
Hate that I slash; hate being called psycho.
Why am I treated like I’m so far below?
Stop mocking me and making fun.
I give up on this game! Alright, you won!
I’m leaving! I’m leaving! I’m leaving this place!
Stop telling me, I know, I’m a disgrace!
Stupid, conceited, immature, psycho.
Retarded, ugly, friendless schizo!
I wish I could deny it, but I honestly don’t think I can.
Stop pointing it out! Maybe I am!